A Song of Compassion - and Surrender

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1  KJV

I had a frightening experience today as I worked with my little "Stevie", a student from one of my previoius posts.  I do understand that my terminally ill students may die while I'm working with them - but understanding that intellectually doesn't mean I want that to happen.  I always pray for God's Mercy in their lives, but I'd rather He didn't answer those prayers with me standing there holding a little hand.

Today Stevie's heart rate was fairly "normal" for most of our time together although his body was in constant seizure mode.  All of a sudden, Stevie emitted a blood curdling scream.  I've never heard Stevie's voice before - not ever!  As he screamed, his body was slammed by a grand mal seizure.  I watched helplessly as his apnea monitor indicated Stevie's heart rate  had spiked to 155.  We are to alert the RN when his heart rate goes above 135 so I was heading out the door to the nurses' station when the monitor went silent.  Total flat line ----------------- 

The nurses' station is right next door so I went around the corner as fast as my feet would carry me.  When I explained what had happened, she stood up and moved toward the door, but she wasn't in a hurry.  He's DNR, (Do Not Resuscitate), so nothing would have been done to try to save Stevie's life.  At most, she would have turned off the ventilator and called the coroner.  We walked toward Stevie's room together fully expecting him to be gone.  But as we entered Stevie's room, we found him resting quietly with a normal heart rate. 

Some days, I don't enjoy this part of my job very much.  I left the skilled nursing facility with tears in my eyes this afternoon.  Who wouldn't have?! 

Compassion is a difficult lesson to learn because with Compassion comes Pain.  We cannot feel someone else's pain unless we have experienced hurt of our own.  I think about how God felt as Jesus hung there dying on the Cross.  He knew He could have stopped the death of His Son at any moment, but He loved us too much to do that.  Our God does understand pain - more than we ever will.  And though I cannot understand the purpose God has for Stevie here on Earth, I have no doubt that Stevie's purpose hasn't yet been completed. 

God restarted Stevie's heart because He wasn't ready for Stevie to join Him in Heaven today.  When will God call Stevie Home?  No one knows except Father God.  I will continue to pray for Stevie's purpose here to be completed so that he can be made healthy and whole.

Afterthoughts -

God and I had a conversation after I posted this today.  And I realized that I needed to revise my attitude a bit.  Maybe I'm part of the reason Stevie needs to stick around a little longer - maybe I still have more to learn from him.  Maybe today was a test for me - or a dress rehearsal.

Except for when the Adapted P. E. Teacher and I have Stevie for school - 4 hours a week - he is confined to his bed.  He has no roommate, so he is totally alone most of the time.  Nurses come in to dispense medications which keep him "comfortable" and to give him nutrition through bolus feedings.  Custodial staff come in once a day to empty trash and mop the floor.  CNAs come in several times a day to change his diaper, give him a bath, and change his bedding.  He's a ward of the state, so he has no family members who visit.  Mostly, Stevie is alone.

Do I really want to be there when Stevie exchanges my hand for that of a Death Angel?  No - because that would be exceedingly painful for me.  Do I really want Stevie to pass from this life all alone?  Absolutely not!  The thought of that happening would be painful too. 

What God wanted to hear from me tonight is that I surrender to His Will.  That means if God chooses for me to be at Stevie's side when his heart stops for the final time, then I will stay by  his side as he crosses over.  I will sroke his face, hold his hand, and give thanks for the time we've had together, though my tears will fall.  I will rejoice in knowing that Stevie will be waiting for me in Heaven.  And most of all, I will thank God for all that loving Stevie has taught me.